Something "shifted" inside me when I turned 30. I became less anxious & worried about things I couldn't control. I became a bit more patient & understanding, less judgmental.
The things I needed in my 20s were less important or no longer necessary at all. My needs changed because I was changing, evolving. I began to slow down in the sense that I wasn't living outside myself. Reaching and grabbing for things trying to make success happen faster than God intended for me to have it.
I moved to Atlanta solely to write music. I had no idea it would extend to writing stage plays, and owning a line of greeting cards which allowed me to craft for a celebrity wedding.
I've always known great things would happen to and for me, but I thought I could manipulate it. I figured I could connect the dots faster if I took big risks. I later discovered my path was more difficult than it had to be because of poor choices I made. I thought I had to choose between being an artist or working a 9-5. I opted to be an artist, and that decision caused me to struggle in ways I wouldn’t have had I held on to a job to at least pay the bills. I often found myself living in very precarious conditions worrying day to day, week to week and month to month wondering how I would skip this bill to pay another. Had I been rational, I would've kept the great jobs I had & worked on my craft on the side. Instead, I would leave work (sometimes without permission) to record music with different artists or producers (that had a big name in the industry) because I thought that would be my only shot.
I declined jobs if I thought it would interfere with "my" schedule as an artist or as an entrepreneur. Consequently, I landed in difficult financial dilemmas which led to a functional depression. Publicly, I managed to maintain a smile and jovial disposition, but secretly I suffered.
One of the brightest moments in my career as a writer was debuting "A Day in the Life" my first stage play. The initial success was tremendous. The show sold out & I got lost in the hype. I got caught up in the shine. I totally forgot I had been “chosen” by God to tell this story; to spread a message of hope and awareness. I neglected to consider He could’ve chosen anyone to tell this story. I thought the success was about and for me to bask in. I thought it was so I could buy things, live comfortably. My ego grew. I forgot His instructions, so He took it ALL away.
I was on the brink of touring the show nationally. I met with a national promoter who agreed to take the show on the road, but without warning he disappeared. I believe everything happens for a reason in the spiritual realm & for a reason in the physical realm. In the spiritual realm, God decided I wasn't ready, thus, He set things in motion that would prevent the promoter from following through with a tour. In the physical realm, the promoter didn't call because he was afraid to promote a "gay" show.
Today, I know everything that happens to you, me, us happens for our greatest good even when we can't see how, at first. I know, without a doubt, had my show toured when I was 26 years old, I would probably be HIV positive, arrogant and foolish enough to think I did it on my own. God has a way of protecting us from ourselves…
My struggles have made me wiser, stronger, more compassionate and humble. I've refocused my vision. I know my purpose. I know that I have to trust the process, God's process. I have to be patient with the journey. Never again will I get distracted by the journey, by the setbacks because the end is still the end...
I'm grateful for age. With age, there's wisdom. I look forward to 40! Thank you Jesus...
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