Give Him a Chance to Call...

There is no secret to dating or finding someone to grow with except being your authentic self because anything other than that is deception.  The biggest mistake, I think, is doing, giving and saying too much too soon. Allow things to flow organically not methodically, and don't be too anxious.  Once you've called him, give him the space to call you back. If he doesn't return the call the same day, so what.  Find something to do with yourself.  You're looking desperate already (if that bothers you) and you haven't had the first date. You have to offer something different! 

We sometimes push too hard when we're in that "anxious" space.  What's the anxious space?  The point at which you're ready to be with someone, settle down so badly because you've been single for awhile or you've finally met someone that interests you so you want to pounce on them. Slow that ass down!

The first date should NOT feel like an interview.  You don't have to find out everything on day one.  It's a progression.  The dating phase is the period to feel one another out.  It is techinically the longest "interview" we'll ever have. You're determining through every phone call and outing whether or not you're compatible; if there's growth potential; a future. 

That anxious space causes some to ask, do and say too much then you end up appearing "thirsty" and ultimately calling or texting too much.  Don't be a junior stalker.  Remember, you too, are the prize. I'm not advising at all to play games, but know the game.  Dating is an art. You want to peek interest.  He can't "think" to call you if you're calling him every few hours.  If a day or so passes without communication, great.  There will be more to discuss on the next date or phone call.  You should ALWAYS assume he's dating someone when you meet; not exclusively, but casually.

Do not break your neck to answer every call. You have a life and you had one before he showed up; so does he!  More importantly, he hasn't earned that level of priority , yet.  Never cancel plans (especially with friends) to be with him. The message you'll send him, you're desperate.  Allow him to make plans with you.  It gives you a gauge whether or not he's interested in you.   If you're always suggesting things to do you'll never know. 

Once you get to the first date, don't go into it trying to impress him. Just be. Be the same person your friends and family adore. A "name dropper" or show off is a turn off! 

Your behavior, his behavior during the dating phase foreshadows what the relationship will be. If he lies now, he'll lie later.  The slate doesn't get wiped clean once you decide to call it a relationship.

(YELLING) LET HIM CALL SOMETIMES!!  Get a hobby.  Have a life outside of him...

Follow me on Twitter: @therealcstewart

The Allure of the Internet...

One of the best parts of life is when one can admit the truth to himself about himself. Thus, I’ve come to understand my experience with dating and the internet resulted from a bout with depression, and the residual effects of a break up. I quickly realized the time I was spending online only pacified my emotional lows temporarily. It became something I had to do. I curtailed phone calls with friends and family because of my angst to see if I had new mail from a new stranger. It was a band aid to conceal wounds that wouldn’t heal fast enough, for me at least. Online dating or surfing gave me something to do with the extra time I had, now that I was single again. It prevented me from thinking too much about what had happened, why the relationship had fallen apart. Some people rebound at the expense of other people, others “sit” in the pain and process through it. I used the internet to cope. Once I determined that I was simply trying to fill a void I closed the accounts; there were multiple.

With respect to gay people, some use the internet to get acclimated with gay life. Others use it as a mechanism to “approach” because they lack courage to do so in person, or for the anonymity. It’s a world where one can become something he’s not, but everything he wants to be and whoever you imagine him to be. It’s a place where someone can look, sound, anyway he dares to design. The internet can serve as a magnet for those rebounding from a break up, or a resource for the resilient that still believe in love. It’s an unofficial antidote to loneliness, or a tool to just chat to make new friends, possibly more. It’s a device for the depressed as well as a sounding board for those frustrated with it all. As with anything, the internet can be used for good by the well intentioned or for duplicity.

I remember moving to Atlanta twelve years ago at a time when personal computers were truly a luxury in the average home, so, there was the phone/chat hook up line. Today, the chat line is practically obsolete, hence internet (sex) sites. The convenience and ease of the internet sites make me wonder how the phone line was so successful for as long as it was. The phone line allowed callers to listen through a series of voice messages left by other callers. Your imagination was the only visual, which meant the person could only look as good as you could imagine. One would have to be pretty eager to meet off of conversation alone. The major advantage with the internet is the use of pictures. Some even opt to use nude pictures for more opportunities.

Internalized homophobia is almost palpable on many of the profiles posted. They boast of how straight acting or DL (down low) they are and insist that you are too. In many cases, this total stranger has required that you are of a certain race or complexion, height, weight or physique before you consider contacting them. From the semantics emailed back & forth to the thugged out wardrobe (for a well thought out profile), to bold text that reads, ‘no fats, no fems’.

I always felt there was something bizarre about meeting someone from the internet only to run into them down the line, and pretend not to know one another because other people are involved this time & neither of you wants anyone to know you previously met in such a desperate way. It's a sick secret that so many participate in.

It's easy to make poor decisions out of loneliness. The poorest decision I ever made was using the internet. It became a tool I would rely on for self gratification because my career or personal life wasn't on track. I got a high from seeing numerous messages in the inbox from people I didn't know. The presence of those messages validated me because I was functionally depressed, but somewhere in my subconscious I felt empty knowing this wasn't characteristic of the "me" I knew. I often wondered who else on those sites felt the same way. I believe so many get caught in the internet web for reasons very personal to themselves. This behavior isn't limited to gay sites. It happens on mainstream sites, in the heterosexual community as well i.e. Facebook, Match, Black People Meet and Black Planet to name a few.

Once I unlocked my truth and was able to get honest with myself, I walked away without looking back...

Follow me on Twitter, @therealcstewart